Q. How can you stop your newspaper from blowing away in the wind?
A. Use a news anchor.

Q. Which kind of news story is about how badly all the flowers have shriveled up?
A. A wither report.

Q. A weed grow next to the butcher shop was on fire. How did Denver TV news describe the scene?
A. High steaks!

Q. What is a wonky reporter?
A. A journalist who's there to askew a few questions.

Q. What do you call a television news report that isn't very specific?
A. A broadcast.

Q. Why was the weatherman fired during sweeps season?
A. Turns out, the news of a coming flood was leaked.

Q. How do weather forecasters greet each other?
A. With a heat wave!

Q. What did the photojournalist say to the breeze?
A. I'd like to shoot you some time.

Q. Which TV weather forecast feature do Colorado potheads like best?
A. The Highs.

Q. Which prize did Sherman win for his historic piece on time travel?
A. A Mr. Peabody Award.

Q. What did the news that there had been numerous burglaries in the neighborhood produce?
A. Cause for alarm.

Q. What happened after Channel 9 hired a fishy tabloid reporter to do human interest stories?
A. The station's ratings really tanked.

News Flash of the Day: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win!

Q. What does the TV news anchorman say while having sex?
A. This just in...

Q. Which award did the sleazy tabloid journalist get from his hooker?
A. The Pull It Sore Prize.

Q. Why was The Incredible Hulk fired from his gig as a TV weatherman?
A. Because his forecast was always the same: Partly cloudy with a 50% chance of pain.

Q. How does a TV weatherman control his clicker?
A. With a cold snap.

Q. Which reptile is a television weatherman's favorite?
A. A BLizzard!

Q. Why was the lightning bolt featured on the TV news?
A. Are you sure you want to know? The event was truly shocking...

Q. Which '80s band is the favorite of TV anchormen?
A. The Talking Heads.

Q. What did the news reporter say when he jumped out of an airplane on live TV?
A. I'm on air!

Q. What do you call a botanist who is researching the effects of transplating spring seedlings?
A. An investigative repotter.

Q. What did the press call the case brought to trial by a vegan?
A. A plant-based beef.

Q. What is an investigative journalist's favorite vegetable?
A. Leeks.

Q. How did the TV news commentator describe the serial vandalism of gooseberries at the grocery store?
A. This is a sad state of currant affairs.

Q. What do you call the guy on the TV news who covers angler stories and fly fishing updates?
A. A news caster.

Q. Why do bloodhounds make great reporters?
A. 'Cause they have a nose for the news.

Q. What do picketers do when reporters want to photograph them?
A. They strike a pose.

Q. What did the old TV news photographer say about his hectic career after he retired?
A. It was all just a blur.

Q. Which award is given to the photojournalist who's the best shot?
A. The Duel It Sir Prize.

Q. What do Canadians call slanted fake news about geese?
A. Propa gander.

Q. How do reporters handle boobs?
A. Press release.

Q. Which award was presented to the TV anchorman with the worst '80s hair style?
A. The Mullet-zer Prize.

Q Which broadcast media source do chickens always avoid?
A. Fox News.

Q. What happened to the fish who wanted to be a TV news reporter?
A. The first time he went on air, he died.

Q. What happened when publishers started using drones to deliver magazines?
A. It caused a number of issues.

Shooting News of the Day: Did you hear about the guy who was shot by the starter pistol? Bystanders report it was race related.

Today's News Brief: A courtoom artist was arrested during the trial. Details are sketchy. Stay tuned for more at 10 P.M.

Q. Why did the two television helicopter reporters on competing stations get along so well?
A. 'Cause they both got a lot of air time.

Q. Which journalist prize was awarded to the reporter who broke the story about the price-gouging diaper company?
A. A Pee Body Award.

Q. Why don't old magazine salesmen ever die?
A. Because they're always renewed.

TV News Reporter: Where is the best place to begin the fight against terror? Blonde Realtor: Haunted houses. Duh!

Q. What do you get when you cross a press release reader with a ghost?
A. A spooksman.

Q. Which prize was awarded to the journalist who exposed the dangerous suburban skeet shooting range?
A. The Pull It Surprise.

Human Interest Reporter: At 101 years of age, what is your secret to longevity? Old Woman: No peer pressure.

Q. Which award was presented to the journalist who broke the story about the towing company secretly owned by a duke?
A. The Pull It Sir Prize.

#1 Broadcast News Rule: Avoid cliches like the plaque!

Q. Why don't old copy editors ever die?
A. Because they just rewrite the text.

Today's Headline News: Bummer, the guy who invented Velcro recently passed away. RIP...

Q. Where do you lookup gnome obituaries in your local newspaper?
A. In the home improvement section.

News Flash: A man died in a courtroom today after the judge threw the book at him. He was sentenced to death.

Old journalists never die. They just get de-pressed.

Q. Why was the newspaper journalist contorted on the newsroom floor and moaning?
A. 'Cause the editor removed his colon.

Q. What is something that magazine and newspaper editors routinely do?
A. Make periodical changes.

Q. How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.

Q. How can you identify a pregnant clause while editing copy?
A. It's missing a period.

Q. Why did the optometrist aspire to become a TV news helicopter reporter?
A. He wanted to be an eye in the sky.

Q. Which trophy was awarded to the tabloid journalist who exposed illegal trade in mutton?
A. The Wool-itzer Prize.

Q. Which journalist covered the story about the baby lions at the zoo?
A. The cub reporter.

Q. Why did the pirate apply for the on air opening at Channel 9 news?
A. 'Cause he knew a lot about anchors, man!

Q. Why did the New York City broadcast forecaster relocate to Miami?
A. 'Cause the weather didn't suit hm.

Q. Which kind of wine does the news anchorwoman drink after reporting each day's events?
A. Rhone Burgundy.

Q. What's the most fitting name of a TV news reporter?
A. Justin.

Q. Why did the political reporter go to his gym so often?
A. For his daily spin class.

Q. What did the Florida reporter say when he witnessed an obese sea cow explode on live TV?
A. Oh, the huge manatee!

Today's TV News Flash: Vandals broke into the National Origami Museum in Tokyo. Updates will follow as the story unfolds.

Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. The newspaper!
A2. An embarassed zebra.
A3. A sunburned panda rolling down a hill.

Q. Why did the dumb-ass politician attend the press conference wearing only his underwear?
A. He wanted to do a news briefing.

Q. How do you know your dentist is an investigative reporter?
A. He's always after for the hole tooth.

Q. Which award was presented to the journalist who broke the story about asses that genetically modify donkeys?
A. The Mule It Surprise.

Q. What is the serious local TV news anchors's bloody least favorite color?
A. Burgundy.

Q. Why did the editor give up his cheese making hobby?
A. Long rendering times.

Q. How many cover blurb writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. A vast and teeming horde stretching from sea to shining sea!

Q. Why did the guy get fired from the Farmer's Almanac factory?
A. For taking a day off.

Q. Why did the TV news producer need to see a shrink?
A. He had some problems with anchor management.

Q. Which award did the journalist win for this year's best mass shooting coverage?
A. The Bullets Surprise.

Q. Why did the two radio news reporters get along so well?
A. They were both on the same wavelength.

Q. Why did the loan shark's son decide to major in journalism?
A. 'Cause he knew a lot about book reports.

Q. Why are journalists more noble than lawyers?
A. A lawyer ruins somebody's life for $500 per hour, but a journalist does it for free.

Q. How was the chicken journalist rewarded for the coop expose?
A. With a Poulette Surprise.

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